Another ‘brief’ intro-haha, anything but!

I believe I’ve quite ‘aptly’ introduced myself, especially with that long-winded description about my turmoil and perks, flaws and forte (if you want to take it that way) all jotted down in the profile section. And only after reading it again did I realize I seem more like a nagging, irritating chatter-box than anything else. The culprit lies in my complexity. I’m so complex that to me, a simple emotion or thing like anger or fear cannot be fully expressed with a simple sentence alone. It must have a taste and feel to it. And that’s why my descriptions tend to be too wordy. A seriously disconcerting bad habit, I admit. My being a less externally developed INFP may have something to do with it (if you are a MBTI fan, or a psychology enthusiast, you will know what I mean). Emotions and hurts in me seem to loom so large that it sometimes engulfs my entire being. And frustratingly, I have this terrible habit of swinging between the extremes and focusing too much on my own emotions (and the evil and ugliness within)—from fever-pitch or dark self-anger to cold indifference. It’s both irritating and humbling at the same time. But thankfully, my being a Christian has help keep these conflicting, perverse and self-indulging tendencies in tandem; focusing more of my sympathies outwards rather than inwards. Not that I don’t care about others in my outer world. My heart bleeds when I see people I love getting hurt- especially when I all I can do is to sit and listen to them. It tears my heart to pieces, leaving me frustrated, again. But as for my self-indulgence--I’m still working on it. Diligently, I hope.

Haha, a chatter-box---my pseudo persona may be anything but. But deep beneath that gloomy, dull exterior, hidden from the naked eye, lies a hidden irrepressible chatter, a repressed rigour only waiting to come out should a listening ear be near. This reminds me of the analogy of a butterfly emerging from a dormant cocoon. Although not totally accurate in representation, my situation still has an inkling of resemblance to it. And this somehow also explains my love for writing, though my writing skills are nothing close to satisfactory. But hey, before you start flying into that accusatory mode of labeling me a two-faced fake, (which I’m definitely not!) let me clarify this important fact: my silence and gloominess are also an inextricable part of me, a fraction of my personality which dwells in the subconscious. It surfaces when the need to protect myself from the impending danger of losing my security arises. Okay, to make this simple, I’m quiet because I’m shy, and also because I fear rejection from people. My shyness is also a weapon I wield to protect myself from getting hurt when people can’t accept me for who I am, due to my diminishing self-esteem. See, very simple. But this sure isn’t biblical, nor is it what God intended. Oh what feeble beings we humans are! So I’m also working on this too... hanging on tightly as the Lord carries me through those turbulent storms of my inner life on His back!

Well, before I start sending anyone off into nocturnal bliss, I think I’d better end this wordy jabber and ranting about my inner soul ASAP! I’ll concentrate on something less inward-looking. So, read my next post, and bear with me, for a moment!