Friday, September 28, 2007

Losing so much of me....

I've been asking myself this question for months...yet not able to face up to its answer....till now...

Truth is...evidently, my abilities, my passion, my beliefs are slowly ebbing away....

I've lost my ability and passion for everything! Not because of the stress I facing...that, I can handle. It has to do with much more...ME, for one. Take writing for instance, I can't write anymore! Not like I used to.... not without producing snippets of randomly, less well thought out or deeply analysed words... mere words that bear no weight, nothing that holds an ounce of semblance to what I am capable of producing before...

And it's not just about that... everything I do, from my thought patterns to my actions, to my speech...in short, EVERYTHING seems a source of agony.... I can't talk without letting that thread of confusion that has been running through my thoughts show for what it is.... a worn out, disillusioned mind....alright, depressed as well.. WHAT A PAIN!

I don't even bother if things are done badly.... since they'll never be as perfect as I want them to be anyway. My notes are strewn on the floor, my room and my mind a mess, my assignments done in the most shabby manner....Why Try? WHY BOTHER? No matter how hard I try, I'll always fail anyway...fail to be as good as everyone else... fail to reach my true potential (which, incidentally, seems to lie dormant all these years, never able to find its way out into this dark, menacing world)...

GOSH, how do I HATE being so idealistic! It's tough enough having to live up to other's expectations, tougher still trying to live up to my own! But I just can't take it anymore... the way things are never the way I want it to be...

Often times...I'd ask God these questions: WHY DID YOU MAKE ME THIS WAY? WHY SO DIFFERENT? Why must I have this deep need to understanding life and its true meaning, to understand myself as deeply as I can and the comprehend the reason for my existence? Why can't I take it easily like everyone else? Why can't I be happy like everyone else? Why can't I stop being so damn idealistic?

Guess, that's the only passion I have left...the passion to study WHY I AM THE WAY I AM! Why my mind works the way it does, why I reacted to things the way I did etc, and how I am different from everyone else. I guess, my sole arena of interest now lies in my need to make a mental comparison between my thoughts, my emotions and that of others...Guess that's why my FYP topic is something to do with psychoanalytical theory...urghhh....whatever

But it doesn't matter anyway...been experiencing this all my life. It's only during the recent months that its manifest effects have taken a toll on my (already) diminishing sanity...

SIGH! That's quite enough for one night... gotta get back to the tons of things I've yet to complete...as usual. It's gonna be a long and dreary night, not to mention-life, ahead! *YAWN*

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Struggling to keep check of my sanity

Boy, it's been a really crazy week!

It all started last Friday...My car got bumped by someone as I was driving back from Unimas to my aunt's home.! Hrmphh! Thank God it was settled today... just got my whole car bumper replaced this morning. Phew!

Then....
- had an exam on Monday and of all the crappy things tht could happen, I couldn't answer many of the questions (and for the first time, my mind literally went blaNk for nearly half and hour!). Okay, it's my fault this time cos I only started revising some of the stuff 2 hours before the paper. So no longer was I the same ol' Vic who could create the most seemingly 'correct' answers for questions and concepts that I don't even know...you know- the usual 'goreng sini, goreng sana' method, which entails playing around with words a little and cranking up long elaborations even when I don't really know what I was writing about. But I was stumped this time, and worst still, I couldn't doodle on my paper as usual (it usually helps me sort out my thoughts) cos we had to write our answer directly onto the question paper...Argghhh!

Just when I thought things would be fine...I ended up losing my pendrive on Wed- the 2nd time this semester! And it wasn't even my pendrive...it's my father's, no, to be correct.... it actually belongs to the Gov department my Pa works at cos I lost mine around a month ago and had to borrow his. Was too lazy to bother buying a new one...low on cash this time. What happened was, i left it at the lab approx 4.40pm on Wed, just when it was about to close. Since it wasn't open at night, I decided to look for it the next morning...waited very early for the lab to open so that no one would see my pendrive 1st and take it... and met the lab assistant as he was unlocking the lab door, who told me it was on the table since he saw it just before closing off on Wed...so I went to look for it....but, but...it wasn't there! SOB! SOB!

I left, then went back to look for the lab guy again after class, and he said another lab assistant told him that he gave the pendrive- my pa's Gov department's pendrive to someone- someone utterly dishonest, who claimed that the pendrive was his. Okay, maybe that someone lost a pendrive similar to mine...cos on the very same day, a friend told me she saw a pendrive which actually looked like mine in one of the lecture rooms...but it certainly wasn't mine cos I certainly did not go to any of the lecture rooms on Wednesday. Sigh!

Arghhhhhh! What's worse is... I can't even buy another similar pendrive to replace it cos it's a very old model- with only 256MB of storage and I've tried looking around the shops but could not find even a similar one sold in the market!!! *SOB* Gosh, I'm really in BIG trouble this time! Cos aside from not being able to find a replacement, it contains irreplaceable, crucial information which my Pa needs!!

My only alternative now is to pray that whoever took my handy would return it to the office, else I'd start posting notices everywhere I can, on Monday...Haha! If I can find the time- which is virtually impossible with discussions and classes back-back-back from morning till evening. Urgghhh! Of course, I could continue pestering the lab guy, again, about my handy-- yeah, by Monday, he'd probably run away screaming at the top of his lungs whenever he sees me, considering that I kept stalking him to ask about my handy...each free time I could after class on Thursday and Friday...

That aside...It's 5pm now... and there's a long list of stuff to complete by tomorrow- a website homepage to design for CALL (Asked to do it cos I'd done it before), a presentation powerpoint to complete, and a draft of chapter 1 and 2 of my FYP to complete. I've handed up the 1st draft of chapter 2 about 2 weeks ago but didn't bother to continue with chapter 1, till today. Haven't started researching on Chapter 1 too, yet i've to pass up everything on Monday! Arggh! And there are still 2 presentations on Tues and Thurs, as well as 2 reflection papers, a Xcube article and poem to complete by Wednesday! Sigh!

Yet...I can't help dreaming about the missing pendrive...I'm praying for a miracle- perhaps, oh perhaps, it would mysteriously, suddenly appear on Monday-- my baby, my pendrive, safe and sound in my arms, at last!

Sunday, April 08, 2007

~12 things about Moi ~

Haven't been blogging for ages....but dear ESTHER VOON & KEE MAN tagged me, so here I am, writing this. You see, someone started this tagging game, whereby you've got no choice but to write 6 things about yourself. Esther got tagged, she tagged me and Kee Man, and Kee Man tagged me too. So, now I officially have to write like~ 12 things (6+6) about myself! Waaaahhhh!

What's the tagging game about, here are the ground rules:
-List 6 weird things about yourself
-find 6 friends to tag and state their names at the end of your blog post.
-Once you've tagged someone, leave a comment to inform them that “you’ve been tagged!” in their comment section, point them to your blog post so that they'll read your post and the rules of this game.
- Ask them to tag 6 other friends.

Easy-peasy...? Yeah, right!

THE 12 WEIRD ASPECTS ARE:

#1: I DAYDREAM A LOT! It's a hobby I cultivated since~I was a baby! HAhaha! What are my dreams about? They’re sometimes little stories I churn in my head or little songs and tunes I can’t play or which I'm just too lazy pen down. And I love putting myself in the shoes of the characters in my stories. That's why I'm very absent minded most of the time. God knows how I managed to pass my exams all these while, especially when it's practically impossible for me to concentrate on a task for more than 15 minutes-- before my mind goes into fantasy mode. Thank God most exams nowadays are pretty okay, dump in a bit of common sense, analysis and whalla--a good mark! Haha!

#2: I SING IN MY SLEEP, OR WHEN I’M ALONE! People usually sleepwalk or talk in their sleep. But I sing. It has happened a few times, at least that’s what ppl tell me. Is that normal? Oh well. And no, I’m not good at it, I think. I just love to sing! But not your usual pop songs. I prefer the classics more although rock or pop are great stress relievers (Man, I love listening to JOSH GROBAN & ENYA!) People say my voice has a slight classical quality. Too bad I sing better when I’m alone or at night somehow. Maybe cos I get severe sore throats every morning. I don’t drink a lot of water, you see. A bad habit, which makes it hard for me to speak loudly. The soreness only disappears when it’s almost midnight. So sometimes I’ll sing softly to myself then. But despite the sore throats, I must find time for myself to sing at least once or twice a week, while washing my clothes, washing the car etc


#3: I ENJOY MAKING MONKEY AND PARROT NOISES! So the next time you hear “Ooohh Ooohh Ooohh, ahh ahh ahh!” or “arrrkkk! Polly wants a scone” (Polly’s a British parrot, you see), that’ll be me.

#4: I GET ‘HIGH’ AT NIGHT! Basically, I’m what you’ll call a night-person. I get tired and grouchy often during the day, but at night, it’s often a different story, provided that I get enough sleep the day before or when they’re no assignments. I get the best inspirations for my poetry & imaginations; make the best monkey and parrot noises; sing the best; write the best stuff (love writing scripts for plays when I have to); get into the craziest moods; and read the most stuff only during the night.

#5: I HAVE MATHEMATICAPHOBIASIS! Translated into laymen terms- it means an unusual apprehension towards anything to do with mathematics. It reached its peak when I was in Form 4 & Form 5, when I had to rush to the toilet on an average of 2-3 times each additional math lesson, to vomit because of severe migraines I would develop each time my Add math teacher entered the classroom. So naturally, I’ve failed Add math tests many times. Too bad! And I only started studying for it two weeks before my SPM, which was sheer torture. Thank god I did well for it. And thankfully, I did pretty well for my modern math tests then, which was surprising considering the only Math exercises I 'did' were the ones I copied from my friends. It’s such hard work to do Math exercises. All you have is a string of formulas and nothing but formulas. Once in a while I get the kick out of trying to figure out how the formulas come about since for me, calculating is a chore, but figuring things out are fun! But it didn’t work. Unlike the other subjects, they aren’t as easy to figure out. So, right now, I'm having a tough time this semester, particularly since many of the courses I’m taking now require calculations. And damn the statistics course! I hate SPSS (okay, even when I don’t have to calculate anything for it, there are still rows of numbers I see on the screen). My migraines are killing me! Sigh, so much for having a phobia for Mathematics.

#6: I LIKE TO EAT THE WEIRDEST STUFF! Yeah, these include special, one-of-a-kind, Victoria-an-made concoctions. So far I've made and eaten great stuff like orange+nestum+milk+milo shake (fruity squash delight), squashed watermelons+honey+milo (watermelon fantasia), honey dew rolled in egg omelet (dewy rolls), Sushi+cheese (Cheeshkesushi), cheesey milky sausage or luncheon meat omelet (omelet du-flomarge-another favourite), pasta or spaghetti cooked with milk and sausage(Victoria’s pasta delight-my all time favourite) and etc. They were ahhh~ heavenly! Hmmm…and I’ve always wanted to try out sago worms. Heard that they’re pretty crunchy and juicy when deep fried. Wanna try it? WAHAHAHAHAH!

#7: I’M ADDICTED TO PILLOWS! But not your standard, buy-them-from-the-shops ones with artificial sponges on the insides, or state-of-the-art curved ones for better neck to head support. The ones I only like are the original DIY ones, the ones my Mum made for me since I was young, with those cottony stuff and lil' chunks of twigs in them-which I call ‘little twiggies’. I usually must have at least one of them around when I’m studying before exams, watching TV, eating, doing assignments and stuff, cos having them around somehow helps me to think! Weird huh! I must have one on my lap when I’m playing the piano or when I’m on the computer in my room or at home. And I enjoy spending hours on an end cuddling it, pinching it, squeezing it, kissing it to my heart's content (okay, that's gross I know). Worst still, I'll usually lug one around the house-to the kitchen, the dining room, the toilet, the sitting room. Ahhhh, pillows are my dearest friends! =)

#8: I CAN’T STAND HAVING LONG FINGERNAILS! I love seeing others with long ones that are just~ oh, so pretty! It’s a pity I can’t help but get the kick out of clipping my finger or toenails, sometimes till they bleed.

#9: I HAVE THE ABILITY TO CRY ONE MINUTE AND LAUGH LIKE CRAZY THE NEXT. Yeah, it's a 'skill' that comes so naturally for me. Not that I'm faking it..it's just that my emotions can swing erratically in yo-yo mode at times. One minute I'm gleefully laughing like a hyena, then if something triggers my emotions, I can go about sobbing like a milk-deprived baby the next. It's not so evident now, and I'm proud to say I've not been on it since the last 12 months or so of my life. Isn’t that great?

#10: I’D PLAY COMPUTER GAMES JUST BEFORE EXAMS AND WHILE DOING MY ASSIGNMENTS. That’s what I’ll do instead of studying—my ultimate de-stressing method. I loathe reading academic stuff and studying. So just a day prior to my exams or assignment due date, instead of studying for long hours, I’ll usually spend a few hours either dreaming or playing computer games. Sometimes, the tension gets so bad that I’ve to wait till 2-3 hours before the exams before I can start studying anything. The same goes for my assignments.


#11: I LOVE MAKING UP WORDS AS I GO ALONG. They’re usually words that describe my self conflicted condition and words that describe a person, place or activity—like UNIMASOPOTAMIA (my favourite), INSOMNIADREAMIONISIS, KOBUNGAYA (Kolej Bunga Raya), VICTOHISTERIAMANIASIS, Walkhopping method, laughsnorting, JINGGLE-Ing, AHBRACADABRA, etc etc….


#12: I OFTEN SKETCH FACES OF GIRLS, ARCHITECHTURAL LAYOUTS OF HOMES OR BUILDINGS & NONSENSICAL OBJECTS! My books are filled with them, I sketch them during lectures, while studying, or as I’m imagining things. I’m not a good artist I admit, since I’ve never bothered to upgrade my drawing skills. Tried to so-call ‘design’ my dream home, dream library and computer lab, dream pool etc on paper many times. It’s a pretty good diversion from the dull humdrums of daily life.

Okay, the 12 lucky ones I’m tagging are:
-MeLISA
-Lisa
-Yatie
-Marie
-MaRina
-KARTINA
-FeRbesT
-Fei fei
-FeLisia
-Rosa
-Seeput
-Florence
Who Am I - Casting Crowns