Friday, September 28, 2007

Losing so much of me....

I've been asking myself this question for months...yet not able to face up to its answer....till now...

Truth is...evidently, my abilities, my passion, my beliefs are slowly ebbing away....

I've lost my ability and passion for everything! Not because of the stress I facing...that, I can handle. It has to do with much more...ME, for one. Take writing for instance, I can't write anymore! Not like I used to.... not without producing snippets of randomly, less well thought out or deeply analysed words... mere words that bear no weight, nothing that holds an ounce of semblance to what I am capable of producing before...

And it's not just about that... everything I do, from my thought patterns to my actions, to my speech...in short, EVERYTHING seems a source of agony.... I can't talk without letting that thread of confusion that has been running through my thoughts show for what it is.... a worn out, disillusioned mind....alright, depressed as well.. WHAT A PAIN!

I don't even bother if things are done badly.... since they'll never be as perfect as I want them to be anyway. My notes are strewn on the floor, my room and my mind a mess, my assignments done in the most shabby manner....Why Try? WHY BOTHER? No matter how hard I try, I'll always fail anyway...fail to be as good as everyone else... fail to reach my true potential (which, incidentally, seems to lie dormant all these years, never able to find its way out into this dark, menacing world)...

GOSH, how do I HATE being so idealistic! It's tough enough having to live up to other's expectations, tougher still trying to live up to my own! But I just can't take it anymore... the way things are never the way I want it to be...

Often times...I'd ask God these questions: WHY DID YOU MAKE ME THIS WAY? WHY SO DIFFERENT? Why must I have this deep need to understanding life and its true meaning, to understand myself as deeply as I can and the comprehend the reason for my existence? Why can't I take it easily like everyone else? Why can't I be happy like everyone else? Why can't I stop being so damn idealistic?

Guess, that's the only passion I have left...the passion to study WHY I AM THE WAY I AM! Why my mind works the way it does, why I reacted to things the way I did etc, and how I am different from everyone else. I guess, my sole arena of interest now lies in my need to make a mental comparison between my thoughts, my emotions and that of others...Guess that's why my FYP topic is something to do with psychoanalytical theory...urghhh....whatever

But it doesn't matter anyway...been experiencing this all my life. It's only during the recent months that its manifest effects have taken a toll on my (already) diminishing sanity...

SIGH! That's quite enough for one night... gotta get back to the tons of things I've yet to complete...as usual. It's gonna be a long and dreary night, not to mention-life, ahead! *YAWN*

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Struggling to keep check of my sanity

Boy, it's been a really crazy week!

It all started last Friday...My car got bumped by someone as I was driving back from Unimas to my aunt's home.! Hrmphh! Thank God it was settled today... just got my whole car bumper replaced this morning. Phew!

Then....
- had an exam on Monday and of all the crappy things tht could happen, I couldn't answer many of the questions (and for the first time, my mind literally went blaNk for nearly half and hour!). Okay, it's my fault this time cos I only started revising some of the stuff 2 hours before the paper. So no longer was I the same ol' Vic who could create the most seemingly 'correct' answers for questions and concepts that I don't even know...you know- the usual 'goreng sini, goreng sana' method, which entails playing around with words a little and cranking up long elaborations even when I don't really know what I was writing about. But I was stumped this time, and worst still, I couldn't doodle on my paper as usual (it usually helps me sort out my thoughts) cos we had to write our answer directly onto the question paper...Argghhh!

Just when I thought things would be fine...I ended up losing my pendrive on Wed- the 2nd time this semester! And it wasn't even my pendrive...it's my father's, no, to be correct.... it actually belongs to the Gov department my Pa works at cos I lost mine around a month ago and had to borrow his. Was too lazy to bother buying a new one...low on cash this time. What happened was, i left it at the lab approx 4.40pm on Wed, just when it was about to close. Since it wasn't open at night, I decided to look for it the next morning...waited very early for the lab to open so that no one would see my pendrive 1st and take it... and met the lab assistant as he was unlocking the lab door, who told me it was on the table since he saw it just before closing off on Wed...so I went to look for it....but, but...it wasn't there! SOB! SOB!

I left, then went back to look for the lab guy again after class, and he said another lab assistant told him that he gave the pendrive- my pa's Gov department's pendrive to someone- someone utterly dishonest, who claimed that the pendrive was his. Okay, maybe that someone lost a pendrive similar to mine...cos on the very same day, a friend told me she saw a pendrive which actually looked like mine in one of the lecture rooms...but it certainly wasn't mine cos I certainly did not go to any of the lecture rooms on Wednesday. Sigh!

Arghhhhhh! What's worse is... I can't even buy another similar pendrive to replace it cos it's a very old model- with only 256MB of storage and I've tried looking around the shops but could not find even a similar one sold in the market!!! *SOB* Gosh, I'm really in BIG trouble this time! Cos aside from not being able to find a replacement, it contains irreplaceable, crucial information which my Pa needs!!

My only alternative now is to pray that whoever took my handy would return it to the office, else I'd start posting notices everywhere I can, on Monday...Haha! If I can find the time- which is virtually impossible with discussions and classes back-back-back from morning till evening. Urgghhh! Of course, I could continue pestering the lab guy, again, about my handy-- yeah, by Monday, he'd probably run away screaming at the top of his lungs whenever he sees me, considering that I kept stalking him to ask about my handy...each free time I could after class on Thursday and Friday...

That aside...It's 5pm now... and there's a long list of stuff to complete by tomorrow- a website homepage to design for CALL (Asked to do it cos I'd done it before), a presentation powerpoint to complete, and a draft of chapter 1 and 2 of my FYP to complete. I've handed up the 1st draft of chapter 2 about 2 weeks ago but didn't bother to continue with chapter 1, till today. Haven't started researching on Chapter 1 too, yet i've to pass up everything on Monday! Arggh! And there are still 2 presentations on Tues and Thurs, as well as 2 reflection papers, a Xcube article and poem to complete by Wednesday! Sigh!

Yet...I can't help dreaming about the missing pendrive...I'm praying for a miracle- perhaps, oh perhaps, it would mysteriously, suddenly appear on Monday-- my baby, my pendrive, safe and sound in my arms, at last!
Who Am I - Casting Crowns