Of forehead injuries and nose bleeds!

As clumsy as I often am, no, I wasn't the victim of those terrible 'catastropes' this time... It happened to two of my students within the last two weeks (the third, or forth.. after the head bleeding and swollen nose incidents).. and during my lessons too!

I wish I could snap photos as proof of how bad things can be at primary schools these days... but I was just in such a bloody shock! I mean, hello, imagine the horror of seeing blood oozing down your student's nose! Well, the closest I can think of is this:




Or worst still, streams of blood gushing out of some eyebrow wound on a female student.. here's just an example:



The nose bleed incident wasn't too bad.. one of three kids (I'll call him Terror 1) who often got into trouble during my lesson, got angry with another student and pushed him. Naturally, the victim fell down, knocked his nose onto the desk nearby and bam, the bleeding started!

The forehead injury case which happend just last Friday, was much worse... Terror 1 was fooling around with Terror 2 even after getting a 10-minute screaming session from me (I couldn't cane him cos caning isn't allowed these days), and decided it was fun to throw pencil cases at a few of the students nearby. Round 1-the pencil case merely smacked some kid gently on the forehead. I stopped him and yet... while I wasn't looking, he decided to try out Round 2... well, this time, he wasn't too lucky...

The pencil case came flying through the air and landed on a girl, just slightly above her eyebrow. The next thing I knew, someone was screaming, "Teacher, her forehead is bleeding!" I rushed to the victim... and horror of horrors, nearly one-third of her face, from the injured site, down to the nose, mouth, chin and part of her neck was covered in blood!

I tried my best to wipe off all the blood... called a student to inform the form teacher and brought victim, witness and perpetrator to see the afternoon session supervisor. To cut the long story short, the mothers of both victim and perpetrator came to the school, and the victim was brought to the clinic.

What still irks me most is I got insulted by both mums. Perpetrator's mom said I must've been too gentle and didn't scold her son at all. Yeah right, you call screaming at the top of your lungs while pulling two or three kids apart constantly for nearly 2/3 of the lesson time too gentle! Maybe I was 'too gentle' cos I didn't punch and whack her kid with the biggest cane I could find till he was blue black (not that I wasn't tempted to do that!).

Argghhh... the great horrors of teaching!!!

Where God wants me to be.. I'll go!

Well, Abraham must have said it, and I believe countless prophets and great men and women of God, the missionaries of God's Kingdom must've said it too! It's painful, it's dreadful, and in many ways a sheer agony to utter those words (as I've realise recently), but well, aren't God's ways higher than our ways? And besides, didn't He promise those of us priviledged to be called His Sons and Daughters that He'll never leave us nor forsake us?

Oh yeah, but still, I can't help those terrible thoughts in my mind... those horror stories about Johor.. ARRRGGGHH!

Frankly, I'd be a hyprocrite if I said I'm not too worried about my posting to Johor. It really wasn't something I was looking forward to, since I'd just made that tiring move from Sarawak to Selangor. But still, some things just cannot be changed. Yeah, I was quite dissapointed when my appeal letter to the MOE to be re-posted back to Selangor was rejected. But I guess, God's hand was behind it all...

Just the night before the news concerning the results of my appeal came, God very specifically spoke into my heart that I was to go to Johor- He had a great plan for me there, and that it was to be my mission field for the next few years. And I kept being reminded about the faith Abraham had, as well as his obedience to God, first when He was asked to move away from his homeland and later, when he obediently heeded God's command to sacrifice his son Isaac and passed God's test of faith. So, when the call came from KPM the next morning, I was ready to face the news (dissapointed, but still ready)- and as expected, my appeal was rejected. I had to go to Johor.

Yeah, I've cried a lot thinking and agonizing about this. But I know it's just God's way of testing my faith. I've been going thru many things lately, which I realise now was God's way of preparing me for my new phase of life in Johor- shaping a more Christlike character within me cos no longer can I be that fearful, sensitive, spoilt, overly-emotional and at times irresponsible and immature person that I was before. I had tasted God's goodness and well, it's time to change... time to rise up to the calling God has set upon my life.. TIME TO MOVE ON!!

So, move on I will... just pray with me, people! =)

The great & the not-so great (un)expectations.. the lament of a teacher newbie

Ever wonder how often things that actually happen in life turn out to be those that you least expect? Take for instance, my moving to Selangor... okay, that was expected,. But what I certainly did not expect was to end up teaching (temporarily) in a chinese primary school, just a 10-minute walking distance from my new 'home' in Selangor.

I also did not expect the huge bombshell I got upon the first day of reporting for duty at the school. When I mean HUGE.. I really mean HUGE.. I was given the wrong timetable 2 times by the school, then got a terrible scolding from the PK for something that was her fault, then was asked to teach a set of 'rojak' subjects- Science, PJK, Music, Moral, Kajian Tempatan and etc... almost everything except English and BM!

Then, there were also those students who thought that climbing up classroom door railings, screaming, making monkey noises and pinching other students during lessons were... fun! Thank God that didn't last long... cos 2 weeks after that, I was moved to the afternoon session where I finally got to teach- ENGLISH & BM! Hurray!

Just when things seemed settled for a while, three little troublemakers came into the scene. At first, all they did were to argue with me, called me names, used curse words, did crazy antics and and kacau the other students a bit.. then they turned to hardcore punching and bullying. A few times their victims ended up with a swollen nose, slight bleeding on the head etc. Things were quite bad- I'm not kidding! And often I wonder, what would these kids turn into when they become adults, considering they could do the things they did at the age of 9!

It saddens me that despite trying any means I could to discipline them, there wasn't much improvement. What's worse was that their antics stopped me from teaching effectively, and the ones who really suffered were their classmates who wanted to learn. I guess all I can do to really help them is to pray- God's power is the only thing that can change them.

Yet, despite all the 'torture' I received, I gradually ended up enjoying the time spent with most of my students- talking to them, listening to their stories, joking with them etc. And there were also those tender moments, esp when my students gave me a bagful of gifts (stationery and tit-bits) during the International Children's Day Celebration. Yes, there will always be those times when entering classes seemed a pain and a chore, but I think I'll really miss them when I finally leave for Johor in 2 weeks time. Oh well!

I'll be back into the blogging world... soon!

I haven't had the time to get this blog rolling since a year or so ago... ouch! Guess I just didn't have the time...

Anyways.. I'll be posting my next new post as soon as I can... maybe within this week... heheheh...Cheers!

Losing so much of me....

I've been asking myself this question for months...yet not able to face up to its answer....till now...

Truth is...evidently, my abilities, my passion, my beliefs are slowly ebbing away....

I've lost my ability and passion for everything! Not because of the stress I facing...that, I can handle. It has to do with much more...ME, for one. Take writing for instance, I can't write anymore! Not like I used to.... not without producing snippets of randomly, less well thought out or deeply analysed words... mere words that bear no weight, nothing that holds an ounce of semblance to what I am capable of producing before...

And it's not just about that... everything I do, from my thought patterns to my actions, to my speech...in short, EVERYTHING seems a source of agony.... I can't talk without letting that thread of confusion that has been running through my thoughts show for what it is.... a worn out, disillusioned mind....alright, depressed as well.. WHAT A PAIN!

I don't even bother if things are done badly.... since they'll never be as perfect as I want them to be anyway. My notes are strewn on the floor, my room and my mind a mess, my assignments done in the most shabby manner....Why Try? WHY BOTHER? No matter how hard I try, I'll always fail anyway...fail to be as good as everyone else... fail to reach my true potential (which, incidentally, seems to lie dormant all these years, never able to find its way out into this dark, menacing world)...

GOSH, how do I HATE being so idealistic! It's tough enough having to live up to other's expectations, tougher still trying to live up to my own! But I just can't take it anymore... the way things are never the way I want it to be...

Often times...I'd ask God these questions: WHY DID YOU MAKE ME THIS WAY? WHY SO DIFFERENT? Why must I have this deep need to understanding life and its true meaning, to understand myself as deeply as I can and the comprehend the reason for my existence? Why can't I take it easily like everyone else? Why can't I be happy like everyone else? Why can't I stop being so damn idealistic?

Guess, that's the only passion I have left...the passion to study WHY I AM THE WAY I AM! Why my mind works the way it does, why I reacted to things the way I did etc, and how I am different from everyone else. I guess, my sole arena of interest now lies in my need to make a mental comparison between my thoughts, my emotions and that of others...Guess that's why my FYP topic is something to do with psychoanalytical theory...urghhh....whatever

But it doesn't matter anyway...been experiencing this all my life. It's only during the recent months that its manifest effects have taken a toll on my (already) diminishing sanity...

SIGH! That's quite enough for one night... gotta get back to the tons of things I've yet to complete...as usual. It's gonna be a long and dreary night, not to mention-life, ahead! *YAWN*

Struggling to keep check of my sanity

Boy, it's been a really crazy week!

It all started last Friday...My car got bumped by someone as I was driving back from Unimas to my aunt's home.! Hrmphh! Thank God it was settled today... just got my whole car bumper replaced this morning. Phew!

Then....
- had an exam on Monday and of all the crappy things tht could happen, I couldn't answer many of the questions (and for the first time, my mind literally went blaNk for nearly half and hour!). Okay, it's my fault this time cos I only started revising some of the stuff 2 hours before the paper. So no longer was I the same ol' Vic who could create the most seemingly 'correct' answers for questions and concepts that I don't even know...you know- the usual 'goreng sini, goreng sana' method, which entails playing around with words a little and cranking up long elaborations even when I don't really know what I was writing about. But I was stumped this time, and worst still, I couldn't doodle on my paper as usual (it usually helps me sort out my thoughts) cos we had to write our answer directly onto the question paper...Argghhh!

Just when I thought things would be fine...I ended up losing my pendrive on Wed- the 2nd time this semester! And it wasn't even my pendrive...it's my father's, no, to be correct.... it actually belongs to the Gov department my Pa works at cos I lost mine around a month ago and had to borrow his. Was too lazy to bother buying a new one...low on cash this time. What happened was, i left it at the lab approx 4.40pm on Wed, just when it was about to close. Since it wasn't open at night, I decided to look for it the next morning...waited very early for the lab to open so that no one would see my pendrive 1st and take it... and met the lab assistant as he was unlocking the lab door, who told me it was on the table since he saw it just before closing off on Wed...so I went to look for it....but, but...it wasn't there! SOB! SOB!

I left, then went back to look for the lab guy again after class, and he said another lab assistant told him that he gave the pendrive- my pa's Gov department's pendrive to someone- someone utterly dishonest, who claimed that the pendrive was his. Okay, maybe that someone lost a pendrive similar to mine...cos on the very same day, a friend told me she saw a pendrive which actually looked like mine in one of the lecture rooms...but it certainly wasn't mine cos I certainly did not go to any of the lecture rooms on Wednesday. Sigh!

Arghhhhhh! What's worse is... I can't even buy another similar pendrive to replace it cos it's a very old model- with only 256MB of storage and I've tried looking around the shops but could not find even a similar one sold in the market!!! *SOB* Gosh, I'm really in BIG trouble this time! Cos aside from not being able to find a replacement, it contains irreplaceable, crucial information which my Pa needs!!

My only alternative now is to pray that whoever took my handy would return it to the office, else I'd start posting notices everywhere I can, on Monday...Haha! If I can find the time- which is virtually impossible with discussions and classes back-back-back from morning till evening. Urgghhh! Of course, I could continue pestering the lab guy, again, about my handy-- yeah, by Monday, he'd probably run away screaming at the top of his lungs whenever he sees me, considering that I kept stalking him to ask about my handy...each free time I could after class on Thursday and Friday...

That aside...It's 5pm now... and there's a long list of stuff to complete by tomorrow- a website homepage to design for CALL (Asked to do it cos I'd done it before), a presentation powerpoint to complete, and a draft of chapter 1 and 2 of my FYP to complete. I've handed up the 1st draft of chapter 2 about 2 weeks ago but didn't bother to continue with chapter 1, till today. Haven't started researching on Chapter 1 too, yet i've to pass up everything on Monday! Arggh! And there are still 2 presentations on Tues and Thurs, as well as 2 reflection papers, a Xcube article and poem to complete by Wednesday! Sigh!

Yet...I can't help dreaming about the missing pendrive...I'm praying for a miracle- perhaps, oh perhaps, it would mysteriously, suddenly appear on Monday-- my baby, my pendrive, safe and sound in my arms, at last!