Losing so much of me....

I've been asking myself this question for months...yet not able to face up to its answer....till now...

Truth is...evidently, my abilities, my passion, my beliefs are slowly ebbing away....

I've lost my ability and passion for everything! Not because of the stress I facing...that, I can handle. It has to do with much more...ME, for one. Take writing for instance, I can't write anymore! Not like I used to.... not without producing snippets of randomly, less well thought out or deeply analysed words... mere words that bear no weight, nothing that holds an ounce of semblance to what I am capable of producing before...

And it's not just about that... everything I do, from my thought patterns to my actions, to my speech...in short, EVERYTHING seems a source of agony.... I can't talk without letting that thread of confusion that has been running through my thoughts show for what it is.... a worn out, disillusioned mind....alright, depressed as well.. WHAT A PAIN!

I don't even bother if things are done badly.... since they'll never be as perfect as I want them to be anyway. My notes are strewn on the floor, my room and my mind a mess, my assignments done in the most shabby manner....Why Try? WHY BOTHER? No matter how hard I try, I'll always fail anyway...fail to be as good as everyone else... fail to reach my true potential (which, incidentally, seems to lie dormant all these years, never able to find its way out into this dark, menacing world)...

GOSH, how do I HATE being so idealistic! It's tough enough having to live up to other's expectations, tougher still trying to live up to my own! But I just can't take it anymore... the way things are never the way I want it to be...

Often times...I'd ask God these questions: WHY DID YOU MAKE ME THIS WAY? WHY SO DIFFERENT? Why must I have this deep need to understanding life and its true meaning, to understand myself as deeply as I can and the comprehend the reason for my existence? Why can't I take it easily like everyone else? Why can't I be happy like everyone else? Why can't I stop being so damn idealistic?

Guess, that's the only passion I have left...the passion to study WHY I AM THE WAY I AM! Why my mind works the way it does, why I reacted to things the way I did etc, and how I am different from everyone else. I guess, my sole arena of interest now lies in my need to make a mental comparison between my thoughts, my emotions and that of others...Guess that's why my FYP topic is something to do with psychoanalytical theory...urghhh....whatever

But it doesn't matter anyway...been experiencing this all my life. It's only during the recent months that its manifest effects have taken a toll on my (already) diminishing sanity...

SIGH! That's quite enough for one night... gotta get back to the tons of things I've yet to complete...as usual. It's gonna be a long and dreary night, not to mention-life, ahead! *YAWN*